Okay ya'll - I have so much energy after this weekend, I haven't been able to sit still for majority of the day. Trust me, This is not normal for me. LOL.
I feel like my insides are going to explode from my physical body. I am talking like someone who just figured out how to speak. I could go run a marathon and then I remember 1) I don't run & 2) my body would die.
I literally feel like a Care Bear right now; I could shoot beams of light out of my chest and shine them onto anyone that comes into contact with me.
The only downside to this is my sister is the only person I have physically seen today and I think I have "sprayed" her with so much Care Bear Stare that it is starting to have the reverse effect. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am going to be honest, I have NEVER felt anything like this before. I joked to myself and thought that maybe my little solo weekend retreat would bring me some "breakthrough" and I would heal something or let go of something. If nothing else, I would sleep, binge some stupid shows in a cute space outside of my normal surroundings and call it a weekend. I was 100% skeptical. I 100% didn't trust myself or my ability to actually do any sort of self healing. I didn't have faith in myself.
Whew, I will own something when I am wrong. I was wrong. I was BIG TIME wrong. Unfortunately, I had to wait until a few days after I was back and into my regular routine before recognizing that anything changed, but it changed.
Let's also be real, I have no idea how long this will last. I know that I'll go back to having moments like the other week where I felt like a worthless use of space, but this is true validation of what I am capable of doing for myself.
If there is one thing I want to convey to anyone, it is that I know how hard it is to try to start any sort of fixing/dealing/unraveling/transforming or simply acknowledging feelings and emotions.
I am someone that wants actionable items on how you open your heart, how you deal with those emotions you slammed down so deep you aren't sure where they ended up, how to talk about the real things that are bothering you (not the surface variation that doesn't even scratch the surface of the real issue).
I can't tell you how many times I have attended a class/workshop/retreat/session where it is all about getting in touch with your intuition/heart/higher self/soul/emotions, etc. and I am surrounded by people that seem like they are the most connected to themselves and have all this self awareness and spiritual "awakeness."
Meanwhile....I'm sitting over on my side of the room (usually somewhere in the back or a dark corner or some place where people can't sit behind me b/c that shit makes me uncomfortable) honestly telling myself that I am not evolved/capable/in-touch enough to get anything and I will probably have to sit here and pretend like something happened. Anyone else have this experience?
Or.....you get excited because you think you got something for the first time. Something that was just enough of a little glimpse of a tree branch or an animal or shadow of a person or maybe a few letters to a word and you are elated because it doesn't feel like you made it up (even though you continue to analyze and doubt it in your head) and then you think "YES!"
Maybe it is finally working....maybe I'll share just the tip of what I got.....and then that one person shares before you do and they basically just saw the entire Wizarding World of Harry Potter in their fucking minds eye and you think, eh, better not! And then you leave that class a bit hopeless, a bit defeated and questioning your ability to connect into anything worthwhile.
Even worse, you start to doubt that you have any depth - you start believing that you are some empty shell of a person who thought there was more inside you, more inside your soul that maybe you just had not found yet - but now you think you are just wrong.
Oh my wonderful friend please listen to me when I say this: YOU ARE NOT WRONG. You are capable of connecting to your soul. You are capable of living from your soul and not your surface. You will be able to remove what doesn't serve your spirit, so you can find your Care Bear light beam. You must have patience. There isn't a checklist you can cross off to find this; I've been looking for a long time.
You might not do what everyone else does(reading books, going to classes, meditating, yoga, journaling) because that might not work for you but you are going to find what does work for you (burning some shit, playing with cards, lighting some candles, taking a bath, driving around in your car for long periods of time, listening to music and having full blown conversations with yourself, crying, yelling, being angry, coloring, cooking - all the things).
When you find what is working for you - you will keep going back to those things. Then one day you'll have a new thought. Something is going to look different. Someone you haven't talked to in a long time is going to reach out to you. Maybe you'll have dreams about people that make you extremely happy when you wake up. Random people might tell you that you look nice today at 6AM at the airport when you are half asleep. Some lovely old man might tell you how important it is to find laughter & joy in the small things in the snack aisle at Walmart. People might start reaching out to you just to talk. You'll get encouraging messages from people telling you what you are doing is working; DON'T STOP.
That's when you'll know your Care Bear beam is starting to come out. That's when it will all start unfolding and you will be so elated, so excited, so revived and so in love with life you won't know how to contain it.
Then you'll end up writing this long blog because you just want to connect with all the things and share this with anyone you can.
When that happens, I am going to be here reading that blog, smiling with my whole body out of happiness for you!
Take care,
The Auryn
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