Just finished a pretty sweet dance party....with myself. Have you ever done that? Found yourself in a space completely alone, nobody even close to coming around to interrupt your massive dance party (because if someone saw, it would be pretty hard not to stare) and while you are warming up your sad microwaveable soup, it just happens?
Suddenly you are deep in a dance trance with no awareness of where you are, who you are and what you look like in this exact moment and it is pure bliss.....PURE.
I was just there and once I came out of it, realized it was way overdue. I mean I love to dance and will bust out into random moves frequently but this was different. I could feel the stuck anxiety, energy and emotions breaking up in my chest.
Physically I felt a tense-ness I have had in my back for the last few days start to unwind and release.....like it was screaming to me "FINALLY - WE CAN BREATHE!"
There has been a massive lock on my heart my entire life - it ebbs and flows with who is in my life in that moment. I just realized that I have always assumed I am protecting myself from outsiders who might break my heart but all of this time, I have really been protecting it from my own self. Keeping it locked up. Falsely sharing only what I feel is comfortable or what just pushes the line enough to show some authenticity but locking that 2nd door as soon as it feels too exposed.
It was extremely apparent as I was dancing. There was a large mirror behind me on the wall during my dance party. Most of the time I kept my eyes closed and I could let myself flow freely, no worries or questions about how I looked and no embarrassment or anxiety (remember, there is nobody else here but me; curtains and blinds are all closed).
Then I heard myself say "turn around." It wasn't pretty - outside of the obvious fact that I haven't gotten dressed today, my hair is a mess and I am not wearing a bra - this realization went deeper. I could clearly see all the parts I don't love, and they are not just the physical bits.
I could see all the layers I have let build-up. As I type this (which I wasn't expecting to write but after the dance party I felt like I should and it has just taken off from there) my eyes are tearing up; that's when I know I am listening to the right parts of my soul. I am hitting the nerve. It's a deep nerve and feels extra tingly - not the good kind of tingly.
The question now is how to shed the layers. I might not have the answer but I can tell you writing is helping. I am going to meditate and do a releasing ritual too. Maybe I'll have more to share after that?
The other side of this story is that I know someone is coming for me soon (in a lovely kind of way) - I am emotionally and physically starting to feel it even though I am fighting it with all I have. They won't show up until I stop hiding from myself.
Ooh shit....sometimes this gets too deep for me. Is that possible?
P.S. When it's safe, I would love to have a dance party with you or I could cheer you on from afar.
Take care,
The Auryn
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