Tonight I was having a rather candid & impromptu conversation with two good friends (both of which have been extremely insightful and helpful listening to my random mind vomit lately) and in some purposeful but accidental turn of conversation, I was reminded of the story of how I lost my virginity.
I will add this would be when I lost my virginity to a man for the first time; women would come later because I'm a slow learner.
The most insightful part of the story is as I was remembering the events that lead me to the popping of my cherry, I could not - at all - remember the name of the guy. I have vivid memories of certain situations/scenarios but could not remember his name. As I was telling the story I started laughing out loud. When I was 16 (and said events happened) it felt like this was the most important event and relationship of my existence. I thought it all meant something and proceeded to act as such. Now, some 20 years later, I couldn't even remember his name.
(I have since remembered his name and quickly realized it was better that I forgot).
Fast forward about 5 years to the first time I slept with a woman and the experience is completely different. I did, in fact, have extremely significant and strong feelings for her. It actually turned into my first true heartbreak from a relationship and one in which I never forgot her name (regardless of how many times I wanted to). More on that in another post.
Here is the piece I find most interesting from the images I remember when I lost my manginity:
I was at an amusement park (some of you might be familiar: Geauga Lake) with a group of friends.
Side bar: most of my friends in this group ended up coming out later in life, myself included.
I was wearing a swimsuit. The guy working at one of the amusement park game booths called me over b/c he thought I was cute (he was 21). The significance = I was in a swimsuit and this was unheard of because in my head I was fat and unattractive.
He took me on a date which ended up being somewhat romantic. What I remember the most is I constantly kept a sweater wrapped around my waste b/c I was self conscious of the fact that I had a belly (which I now realize was practically non-existent). He constantly told me to take the sweater off my waste b/c I didn't need to hide.
We went to a grocery store (I have no idea why). He went to the bathroom. When he came out he put his arms around my stomach to embrace me from behind. I felt skinny and desired; I miss both of those feelings.
He came to my house once and we went to Blockbuster to rent movies. I don't remember anything else about what we did that night.
His apartment was a hot mess and I think I was only there once, when I officially lost my virginity.
That's it. That is all I remember from the entire experience.
My point - it is amazing how we process things in our 20's and how different we see them as we "grow up" and start to develop deeper levels of self awareness.
Now I realize what was really happening: I was searching for validation that I wasn't too fat and I was attractive and people (men specifically) found me attractive and I was worthy.
I wish I could tell you I didn't still have moments like that but I would be lying. The upside - I know now that I can only get that validation from myself - even though it can be appealing, and often easier, to find it in other people. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Take care.
The Auryn
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