A few things happened over the last month. The regular cycle/flow of life + emotions + lack of motivation and then something else called "Outlander" happened. I know, I know - it might seem to you that all I do is sit around and watch TV and I have nothing else to do with my life & I assure you, this is only partially true.
This happens in waves and it was a complete fluke. I was on break from the hectic elements of life & also in a bit of a funk & not traveling. A romantic historical drama series seemed like the best solution; judge me as much as necessary. 😚
It is important that I note I attempted to watch the show over a year ago. I liked the first episode (it had some witchy references and a great intro song/scene) but I was not feeling it. I never watched it again and I certainly had no interest in the main characters.
This is a testament to the fluctuations of life and human emotions. When I watched it the second time it was a completely different experience and I was unfortunately hooked. Do I have a small bit of shame when I write this.......maybe but more so because I don't think I can do justice to the emotions that were at play internally that caused the show to take an effect and these emotions are still in flux.
I have never considered myself to be an overly "feminine" person. I also understand that the meanings of this word have many variations and "feminine" has a different look/feel for many people. For me, it means I've never been great at expressing emotions, I have a tendency to be stubborn, I can be cold with my facial expressions & feel compassion-less to some, I also am not one to wear a ton of make-up and walk around in dresses/heels.
I was not the "girl" that would sit down and watch a romance movie and fantasize about meeting the love of my life and being swept off my feet and falling into this touchy/feely, emotionally expressing version of a woman I've never known. I wanted to watch action adventure movies where women run around with guns and shoot stuff + do cool stunts (FYI - this has not changed; I am still a big fan of action/adventure movies).
Over the past several months I have intuitively received messages to open up the hidden feminine side of myself and maybe express a few emotions and see what happens. Well this damn show blew open emotions about relationships/partnerships/love that I didn't even know I had hidden in the depths of my heartless soul. Seriously, where the fuck did this come from?
Suddenly I found myself craving an emotionally expressive relationship where two people actually show a little affection, talk about how they feel and have some pretty passionate sex in the process (please don't be worried; I do still understand this is a fictional show and not real life). I do believe these relationships can exist and I do believe they are possible.
What I also recognize is these relationships only exist when both partners have a decent idea of who they are as people and are willing to accept the other as they are; even when it might compromise their own ego.
My emotions started to become so overwhelming (as I started to actually let them out) that I remember sitting at the dining room table one day and feeling tremendously sad; I truly thought to myself - is this really all there is to life? There has to be more - more connection, more living, more experiences, more love........
I felt like I had completely outgrown my existence. It was actually becoming painful and I don't have the words to truly describe it. It was beyond a feeling of hopelessness and despair - maybe you've had it too? Without sounding arrogant, it felt like I had evolved out of my current life existence and I was suspended in air and had no idea where to land and how to move forward.
This feeling isn't all because of a TV show - I hope you can see that now - the show was just a trigger to allow the emotions to flow and the process of my emotional evolution to begin.
It isn't over yet either. This has calmed down a bit, but the feeling still lingers in the background. My wise sister reminded me of the importance of being in the moment of now. This constant desire to fast forward to my future self isn't how the process works; you have to move through every part, sit with each emotion and sometimes you have to feel stuck & sad & overwhelmed & lost but......
You realize the fact that you can feel these emotions is a huge step forward because you turned them off for so long. To feel anything is often a hard to accept gift; the self awareness that comes from feeling all of this has helped me in a way I never imagined.
I'm missing the magic happening around me because I'm dwelling on all the things that don't feel right or that I don't want to deal with.
The magic never stops happening, we just stop seeing it.
Take care,
The Auryn
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